These might just be the worst job applications ever!
There is an incredible amount of advice on the internet on how best to apply for a job: how to optimise your LinkedIn profile
, how to write the best possible CV, inspiration on getting creative in your job hunt
... The list goes on!
Now, however, it's time to look at the very worst ways to apply for a job...
's book 'Crap CVs
' collects together some of the most impressive examples of mistakes, errors and downright stupidity people have managed to include with their CV or job application.
From the 'Personal Details and Attributes' section...
- "Name: Nora (Nora is my full, legal name. I have a one-word name.)
But was it worth it, when you have to explain it to everyone?
- "Sex: Occasionally"
- "I am 5ft 9in with green eyes and ears of approximately three inches in length."
It's weird enough to include your physical attributes in the 'personal details' section of your CV... the ear comment is just way out there.
- "Strengths: Really good at Lego"
Unless you're applying for a job at Lego... that involves playing with Lego... we're not sure how this is relevant!
- "I am fit as a fiddle with only chronic anxiety and recurring skin complaints on my immediate family's list of medical conditions. (Cousin has diabetes but maybe not relevant?)"
We're not entirely sure how any of it's relevant, sir.
- "My infectious enthusiasm makes me a vital ass to any company."
We bet it does...
- "I'm a perfectionist with a keen I for details."
No. No, you're not.
- "I offer mediocrity at its best."
Are you sure you really want this job?
From the 'Skills and Qualifications' section...
- "Trained in CPR and harassment."
We think you mean anti-harassment, but we don't want to presume, so I think we'll just say 'no'.
- "Versatile toes."
Sorry - what?
- "Very fast metabolism."
Relevance, your honour?
- "Really good at picking locks."
This one's just concerning - unless you're applying to be a locksmith. Or a burglar.
- "I'm bilingual in three languages."
Do you wanna rethink that one, champ?
- "I am a marketing superstar with a 'never settle for the best' attitude."
We think you mean 'never settle for less than the best'. We could be wrong.
- "Twin sister has accounting degree"[sic]
Right... Is she applying?
- "Can do excellent triceratops impression."
In fairness, there's a girl at our office who does a spectacular goat impression, and it is very much appreciated. Perhaps this one should stay on there.
- "I have lurnt Word PErfect computor and spreaxsheet progroms" [sic]
But, have you?
- "I speak English and Spinach."
We had no idea spinach had its own language!
- "I am proficient in using the software you mention. (I assume. Haven't downloaded it yet but am very good with computers, can do graphs, internet and so on.)
We have no words.
From the 'Reason for leaving previous job' section...
From the 'Previous experience' section...
- "Once again I was made a scapegoat for another person's mistake."
Sounds like excuses, excuses!
- "I thought the world was about to end."
Right-o, then. Sounds perfectly reasonable.
- "Having to arrive at a certain hour doesn't make sense to me."
You may struggle in the professional world, I'm afraid...
- "I withered on the publishing vine and hit the bottle."
Impressive honesty... Not-so-impressive job-hunting skills.
- "Husband was boss, left me for waitress."
Yep, leaving seems reasonable.
- "In my misspent youth I repeatedly evaded the law as a pickpocket, drug dealer, burglar and internet fraudster so I know I have the makings of an expert policeman."
Pretty sure that's not how it works...
- Size of current employer: very tall - probably over 6ft5in."
There's been an error in communication somewhere here...
- "Responsibilities included recruiting, screening, interviewing and executing final candidates."
You sure on that last one?
From the 'References' section...
And finally, tales of horror from the HR department...
- "Please only talk to Susan - definitely not Claire."
We're guessing Claire's not your biggest fan?
- "Best not to ask."
Okay - we won't... ask you to interview, that is!
- "One candidate gave me the distinct impression that she'd murdered her husband."
- "One applicant spent five minutes maligning his previous boss who I ultimately felt obliged to point out was my father."
A very good reminder of why it's never a good idea to badmouth a previous employer!
- "Why do you want to work for this company?"
"I fancy the girl on reception."
- "When the candidate came in and sat down it became apparent that he wasn't wearing dark socks, but had coloured in his ankles with black marker."
- "The candidate spelled her name three different ways across the application."
Let's be honest - if you can't spell your own name correctly, it doesn't bode well...
Want to make sure your job application is the very best it can be, and get access to jobs you might not find elsewhere? Why not give CBSbutler
a call on +441737 822000 to find out about our recruitment services, and see if we've got the perfect job for you!